Each new year comes with the promise to change for the better. I was not prepared to dive into the first few chapters of this year, and several times I found myself speechless. In an attempt to cope, I found myself scouring through storage boxes of planners and sketchpads filled with poems, songs, illustrations and paintings I worked on since I was a kid.
Yes, I still keep them.
These are imprints of my soul, and as I looked through each one I found myself asking what stories are behind each body of work. Some I still remember, some I no longer do. My trip down the colorful memory lane led me to a painting I did back in 2011. At that moment I decided it was time to tweak my old header and add portions of the painting.
While I love the simple, classy, and elegant feel of my old black and white header, I feel like this new one is a much better representation of why this blog exists. It may look simple, but behind each stroke and color is a healing story. There’s depth to the painting, and it takes openness and a keen eye to see that.
I preserved all the elements. The girl on the right is lifted from a sketch I did before classes back in 2006. I call her “Aliya”. Wahine Wanderlust is about a woman who loves to surf and wander about this wonderful life while she still can.
Omg I can’t believe I’m posting this but what the hell. My heart will explode if I don’t do this, so here goes:
I’m a fan of Maymay Entrata. And Edward Barber. MayWard. There. I said it.
I never thought the time would come when I would actually grab my phone and vote for a housemate. Well, two housemates because it was so difficult to choose between Maymay and Edward. Sure, all housemates are deserving but there’s just something about these two. I still find it weird whenever I browse through articles and videos just so I can know more about them. The wacky-go-lucky from Cagayan De Oro and the cheerful charmer from Germany is what they’re called, and the viewers of the longest running reality TV show, Pinoy Big Brother witnessed how these two transitioned from complete strangers to being the best of friends. Say what you want to say about MayWard but for me, I can only confess that my dimples hurt when I watch them because seriously, how can you not?
I have to admit I was so annoyed when I first saw Maymay. She’s so noisy, she lacks finesse, and her mouth is too big. However, I must admit that the more I watched the show, the more I learned to appreciate her. Behind that bubbly persona is a simple girl who’s determined to go for her dreams. She puts her mind and heart into everything that she does and I guess that’s the reason why she’s the big winner. A lot of people may mock her for her Bisaya accent, looks, and whatever but she doesn’t mind. She knows what she wants. I remember telling my mom that I envy Maymay because she pays no attention to the negative things that people say about her. Okay maybe she does, but only to a certain extent. Areas of improvement are considered, pure bashing is tossed out the window and that’s exactly how it should be. I learned once that when you open your heart to the world, the world gives all the love it can give and maybe that’s the case with Maymay. Inhale love, exhale love.
We then go to Edward Barber. I first thought that the reason why he’s given so much airtime is because of his good looks. Well, there’s some truth to that but I have to say that there’s more to Edward than just looks. He’s a gentleman. He opens doors for girls, helps out with the chores, and he remains to be that voice of reason when there’s conflict inside the house. He loves his family, and he’s never ashamed to tell people how close he is to his mom and his sister. I also like how he defended Maymay when some of the housemates teased him for hanging out with her too much, and how he makes it a point to be there for her no matter what. It’s also interesting that out of all the housemates, he understands Maymay the most and vice versa. He never judged Maymay for the way she speaks or acts, and although he teases her a lot, he also makes it a point to tell her that she’s beautiful. If a romantic relationship becomes a possibility for both of them in the future, I wouldn’t be surprised. For now, I choose to enjoy how their lives will pan out. Big things are bound to happen for these two, no doubt about that.
I have to admit, there are times when I feel bad for the both of them. Aside from being pressured to become a couple after confessing that they do have feelings for each other, they also have to deal with a lot of bashers every single day. While it does come with the package, I can’t help but wish that people would just back off and give them some space because 1) they’re still trying to adjust, 2) it’s not their fault that a lot of people can relate to their story and 3)you can’t blame them for being too comfortable with each other. People like that are a rare find these days and I think that MayWard happened to be at the right place and time. Their souls were destined to meet and you know it.
As for Maymay, it’s not her fault that there are people who find her beautiful (Edward, included) in spite of her dark skin, big eyes, and small frame. I actually find people who mock her physical features pathetic. We’re Filipinos, and our natural skin color is brown. Our obsession with being mestizos and mestizas happened when we were colonized but that’s for another blog entry. What I’m trying to say is that we really need to change our definition of beauty.
In a world where women are forced to fit into a certain mold and programmed to act a certain way, Maymay Entrata managed to break all the rules by simply being herself. She’s not a mestiza, and she does not have the curves that the society expects from women, she laughs out loud during interviews and that’s okay. This girl from Mindanao has so many gifts that she’s ready to share to the world, her inner beauty radiates, and she has a lot of heart. That, more than anything, is what makes a big winner.
I read somewhere that the fans and supporters of MayWard are hampaslupas and I guess I’m one of them. Seriously though, the world has a lot to learn from Edward Barber and Maymay Entrata. It may seem a bit jeje for some, but if you just look beyond the likes, tweets, follows, TV ratings, endorsements, and online bashing, you’ll understand that MayWard is more than just a love team. These are actual people with big dreams. They’re both set to become the people they were destined to be and that, for me, is enough reason to support them.
Padayon ug salamat sa inspirasyon, MayWard. Skrengge (whatever that means, hehe)!
I’m writing this because unlike most of my friends, I believe that 2016 deserves an essay from me. I experienced the lowest of lows that year and I have no idea how I managed to survive all of that. To say 2016 is full of crap wouldn’t be fair to all of the good things that happened last year. With lows are highs, with highs are lows, and the space in between is big enough to make room for learning and realization.
Nope, this isn’t a resolution post because I know at some point this year I’ll be breaking my own rules. I’m just writing this to resurrect my blog and to pay tribute to all the events that happened last year. It’s also a post I intend to go back to, should I doubt myself once again in the future.
So, here we go. In 2016, I learned…
That Every Minute Is Literally A Chance to Turn It All Around
There are so many things that I don’t post on social media mainly because I feel like they shouldn’t be there. I’ve actually been struggling with the whole sharing my life vs keeping things private shiz that’s why I’ve been on and off with my blogging. On one hand yes it’s fun to have an audience and thousands of followers, but on the other hand, it’s not fun to have an audience and thousands of followers. Anyway, back to the story. I found myself in a hellhole that started around April. It was tough and at some point I wanted to give up. Good thing I had my family, and close friends with me that time because they pulled me back up with I hit rock bottom. The problem would have lingered a lot longer if I didn’t decide to put an end to it by looking for ways to solve it.
That the Sun Shines Equally On Everybody
Some days I agree with it, some days I don’t. I mean really, how can the sun shine on the murderers, the rapists, the robbers, the naysayers, or people who don’t have at least 1% of kindness in their hearts? How can the sun shine on those who gave me a hard time? How can the sun shine on all the douchebags who broke my heart?
But the more humbling question is, who am I to decide?
I first heard about it in August and I’m still not able to digest it. On the days that my higher self is more dominant, the statement makes perfect sense. When you set your judgement aside, you’ll be able to see that indeed, the sun shines equally on all of us. However, when the higher self decides to go on a vacation, that’s when all the questions begin to appear. This is something that I’ll have to keep going back to during reflection and meditation.
That I Have to be Kinder to Myself
I went on an art therapy session once and the funny thing is, my art revealed the things I tried so hard to conceal. Of course the things discussed during the session won’t be revealed here, but if there’s one realization that struck me, it’s that I have to be kinder to myself. It’s easy to be kind to other people but it’s hard when the same amount of kindness has to be given to ourselves.
That Grieving is Personal
When Marley and Roxy died, people were quick to tell me that it’s okay, they’re just dogs and that I should move on. I tried my best to filter out the words of nosy naysayers because really, what do they know? I took my own sweet time to process, recover, and accept their deaths. Some say I’m taking an awfully long time to move on, but for me, the speed is just right. I also don’t believe in moving on because that means having to cancel out their existence and forgetting about them. I’d rather move forward. I wear my scars with pride, and I carry their memory everywhere I go. This is also why this entry is entitled Counting Tuesdays because both dogs died on a Tuesday, both dogs died last year, and it feels like the perfect title for a tribute post to the year that was.
That Family is Everything
I was helping my grandfather stand up from the hospital bed when I realized that I was holding the hands of a man who used to hit me with a belt/slipper/wood/whatever. The very hands that would spill rock salt on the wooden floor and ask me to kneel on them. I was looking at the eyes of the man who once grabbed me and threw me on the wall. I was assisting the man who once called me stupid just because I had a red mark on my report card.
But know what? None of that mattered. Set all the disciplinary stuff aside, I know that my grandfather meant well when he did all of those. I wouldn’t be able to write all these entries if it weren’t for him. When the world told me that I’m an accident, my grandfather agreed with my mom when she said I’m a blessing. He’s still one of the few men I look up to and I can only pray that he’ll be with me on my wedding day. That man means the world to me.
That the World Needs More Love and Light
Oh man, where do I begin? For the most part of last year, I’ve been trying to tune out the negative juju. People are so quick to bash other people these days, those who scheming minds are now in positions of power, and don’t get me started on the cruelty that we’ve been showing to Mother Earth. I’m just hoping that things will turn around this 2017.
2016 was insane, and I’m sure all of you will agree with me. I’m not sure what 2017 has up its sleeve but what I do know is this: I’m ready to face the challenges that it’ll throw my way.
Not in the literal way, but I’m hoping that through this blog I’ll be able to digest (sort of) some of the things that I learned the past few weeks. I was part of a workshop – one that allowed me to meet beautiful souls and help me understand/appreciate/love/accept ME. The workshop had three tracks and every single one required all of us (participants) to dig deeper into ourselves and the world around us.
I sound like I’m writing metaphors and I’d love to be more specific about these things but since I’m still trying to absorb everything, I figured it’s best if I share this photo of the bottled paper cranes I made last month. For now at least. In case you’re wondering, the size of the paper is 1.5″ x 1.5″ and that tells you so much about how committed I am when it comes to folding tiny pieces of paper.
So why am I posting this photo today (9/11/16)?
I just feel like there’s so much going on in the world. When our workshop ended, I was a bit fidgety because that meant going back to the “real world” where I’ll be once again exposed to people who were not part of the workshop. It doesn’t mean they should be avoided, no. I was just being my usual anxious, fearful self and the question “omg what if I forget about the things I learned?” lingered. Writing all these thoughts in a journal helped a lot, because that meant getting over the urge to post it online. Yay!
I guess I’m posting this because it kind of symbolizes what’s in my head at the moment, and I’m slowly starting to see this picture from a different perspective. When I took this photo, my only goal was to upload it on Eco Choices’ Facebook page so people will know that we have this product but now, I’m seeing stories, colors, and relationships.
“Wow, deep pare”
Well, that’s exactly what it is. DEEP. Time for you to join me in my journey towards digesting all these thoughts and feelings, eh?
Anyway, going back: paper cranes symbolize peace and good fortune and in all honesty, I believe that the world needs a lot of that today. These days, there’s so much misinformation going on, people are bashing other people, and it’s just starting to become toxic. I want to break the stream of hatred on my Facebook feed by posting these colorful paper cranes.
The bottles, if I were to interpret them, are the walls that we place around ourselves so no one can hurt us. Unfortunately, and this is something that was said to me by a beautiful wise woman, keeping pain out is also keeping love out. When you avoid the bad things, you avoid the good things and that’s a sad way to live.
You can also look at these bottled paper crane necklaces (chain not included in the picture, sorry) as constant reminders that no matter where you go and no matter how bad the situation is, there’s still kindness in the world. Love (not necessarily the romantic kind) still exists, you just need to change those glasses or shift to a different perspective. It’s all about perspective. It’s all about changing those conversations inside your head and allowing yourself to experience the world for what it really is.
Nope, this is not an attempt to market the bottled paper cranes (I’d post this blog in a different tone if that were the case). It just happened that these crafts represent what my current thoughts and feelings are. Pure coincidence.
These days, I spend the first two hours of each morning at the garden. My mom once told me that everything looks so serene at 5:00 in the morning and after finally having the strength to wake up that early, I had to agree.
Our garden is usually a blend of colors but at 5:00 in the morning, everything looks like it’s desaturated and under a blue filter with an opacity of approximately 25%. It’s not the depressing kind of blue. Rather, it’s the kind of blue that makes you want to sit back and enjoy your cup of hot tea and patiently wait for the sun to show up.
I recently took on the responsibility of looking after my mom’s Echeveria collection and I’ve been trying to apply the things I learned from various articles online. I wasn’t born with a green thumb, but taking on this project is such a huge responsibility so I try to lessen the casualties as much as possible. I make it a point to water them once a week, give them enough sun, and make sure they are healthy. The Echeverias are looking fine, so far. As a matter of fact, I noticed some mini Echeverias this morning:
Pups also started to appear in some of our cacti. It takes so much time and effort to nurture these plants that’s why my mom and I were thrilled when we saw the teeny tiny versions of our cacti and succulents.
I usually spend the whole two hours at what I call the “propagation station” and monitor the progress of the herb cuttings and some of the succulents. Majority of the first batch of herb cuttings I planted during my grandfather’s birthday died so I tried use a different technique in propagating the second batch of cuttings.
It’s a nice break from all the articles I’ve been writing and crafts I’ve been doing. I have to admit though, there are days when I feel extra impatient. I understand that it takes some time for the plants to grow, but sometimes I can’t help but feel like it’s taking forever to see any progress. There are days, however, when I’m rewarded with blooms from our plants. I must say, seeing their beauty makes the whole waiting period worth it.
The last picture is actually a Spearmint. I removed the flowers after taking the picture because according to some articles, the leaves begin to taste bitter once the flowers appear.
It’ll take a few more weeks for the pups and herb cuttings to grow into healthier and well, much older versions of themselves. Until then, we’ll have to continue our morning routine and take good care of every single one of these plants.
Technically, this still falls under The Sunday Currently. The q&a will come back next week. For now, I just want to write about this wipeout.
I look graceful in the picture, don’t I? It’s like I’m expecting the pain but there’s no way out so I have to deal with it. This priceless moment was captured by my uncle during an epic sunset surf session in Dahican. I say epic because it’s the first time that I mustered up enough courage to catch waves that are taller than me. I’d usually freak out and bail, but Panggoy, a local surfer pushed me to commit. And I did.
I’m posting this picture because in a way, it’s similar to what’s currently happening in my life right now. You know when people tell you that there are highs and lows? Well, they forgot to tell you about how high the highs are, and how low the lows are. In my n years of existence, I’ve experienced highs that are probably higher than Mt. Everest, and lows… well, let’s just say I’ve experienced hitting rock bottom…and staying there for as long as I want. It’s not that I had no plans of rising up again, no. It’s just that when you hit rock bottom, you begin to lose hope. Of course inspirational books will tell you that you are stronger than your circumstances, but those are things that you already know and in all honesty, don’t need to hear when you’re struggling.
My wipeout on the photo looks nasty and yes, it WAS nasty. I swallowed a lot of salt water, the leash got tangled in my legs, and I experienced some cuts from the corals. However, despite that struggle, I went back on the board and paddled all the way to the lineup. I rode all the waves that came after that, and I believe that we should also apply that when we experience struggles in real life.
The first time I surfed, I only managed to kneel on the board. I was scared of falling. I was too conscious. The only time that I managed to stand on the board was when I decided to let go. Who cares if you fall off the board? Everyone falls off their boards at some point. Even the professional surfers fall. Wipeouts are inevitable.
I read somewhere that wiping out is an underappreciated skill and I agree, 100%. Wipeouts allow you to reflect on the things you did wrong and create a new strategy. There are things that you learn during a wipeout and more often than not, those are the things that stick. Not only do you discover a lot of things about yourself; you also become resilient.
Wipeouts are humbling and while I hate it when they happen, I also know that they come with lessons that need to be learned – both on land and in the water. You become stronger with each wipeout and that should mean something. We’ll keep experiencing wipe outs in our lives and the intensity will vary. Some, you can shrug off easily while some will push you down and make it impossible for you to breathe. You will want to give up at some point and those are the times when you shouldn’t.
When all is said and done, what matters more is that we get back on our boards and paddle once more.
(Disclaimer: I know the lyrics says “nine in the afternoon”)
That song’s been playing in my head since five in the afternoon, ergo the title for this post. I’m not sure if this counts as a Project 366 photo but I’m uploading it anyway because well, at the end of the day it’s still a picture that I captured… today. Can you believe it’s already this dark at 5 PM?
I’m still juggling an awfully long list of things to do (and things not to do). I’m slowly easing back into the groove of things, which is great.
Since I saw this moth on a Monday morning, I’ll be calling it “Monday Moth”. I was on my way back to my workstation after taking more pictures for Eco Choices when I noticed that Marley was staring at something on the gate. That’s when I saw Monday Moth.
At first I thought Marley was trying to ignore me because I insisted on giving him a bath this morning. I found it funny that he was sitting beside the moth and looking at it, as if trying to figure out if it’s something he can eat.
You probably think it’s weird that I’m writing about a moth and I don’t blame you. When I started with Project 366, I thought it was going to be easy, but I guess I underestimated the project. The tricky thing with Project 366 is that at some point, you run out of things to shoot. I know it’s supposed to challenge your photography skills and creativity but sometimes you just feel like you’re shooting the same subjects, and then you decide to just give up and do it next year, and then Monday Moth appears. Ding! Lightbulb!
Well, here’s to the remaining four days of the week! Cheers!
“I’m glad to see that you’re finally creating plans for yourself”, he said. I have to agree, it’s been a while since I wrote down tasks and future plans on my mini calendar. I guess that’s what happens when you’re with someone who inspires you. Ack, cheesy but yeah… it’s been a while since I wrote cheesy blog entries too.
Articles and emails.
The Sunday Currently vol. 5 + plans :3
To the rhythm of the falling rain.
That rich fragrant smell of shampoo.
My back would stop hurting.
For more steady rain in the days to come.
A floral top and my favorite shorts.
A cup of warm green tea.
An extra pair of hands. Or a button that will automatically delete all of the negatrons in my Facebook feed.